Uncertainty

Whenever I’m back in Fayetteville, folks seem to ask me the same question over and over again:

“So, how’s being married? Marriage is hard, isn’t it?”

It's not that I mind answering the question, it's just that I’m torn as to how to answer it.

You see, I feel compelled to say, “Yes, but it’s worth it and we’re doing fine.” I mean, that’s the “correct” answer, right? It’s almost as if people will think we’re doing it wrong if it’s “easy.”

The answer I want to give, however? It’s more along the lines of, “No. No it’s not. Life, though. Life is hard. Matter of fact, there are many days that life sucks. But you know what? Marriage is what makes it doable.”

I rarely give that answer because I’m afraid it will make me sound self-righteous or naïve. I’m sure there will come a day that I eat the words above (I know that marriage won’t always be easy – no relationship is), but why must “hard” be the default setting?

Maybe I am self-righteous. Maybe I am naïve. But I know one thing for sure: I would not be surviving life right now if it weren’t for him.

Like I said earlier, life is hard. Currently there is one overarching theme causing its difficult-ness: Uncertainty.

Our world is riddled with all sorts of it:

• Will we have steady, reliable income?
• Will we have a place to live?
• Will we be able to park our cars near our place to live?
• Will our car survive the next trek over 100 miles?
• Will the breaker trip (again) if I turn on the microwave/toaster/coffee pot/light?
• Will the washing machine work this time?
• Will IT trip the breaker?
• Will we have enough in savings to cover everything that could fall apart the next time we touch it?
• How will we afford to fix the stuff that breaks after replacing all the stuff that broke a minute ago?
• Will we ever figure out where all the ants are coming from?

I’m already a worrier (I panic when The Boy drives up the street to Sonic because I’m SURE a freak accident will happen and I’ll never see him again…it’s worse when he takes the dog because then I’d be a widow AND only have a cat for company, but I digress). All this uncertainty feels new and uncomfortable to me.

Before we moved, we had a support system – parents, friends, a church family. Worrying happened, but it rarely resulted in panic attacks and sleepless nights. Now, I lay awake – my head buzzing with a thousand different panics. All because everything is so uncertain. So up in the air. And there are only two of us to catch it when it all comes tumbling down.

But at least there are two of us.

So, we pray. We ask for prayer. We rely on grace and other promises made so long ago. We (well, I) sit in the shower and cry – then sing hymns to calm myself down. We keep living. We dream, we hope, we plan. We go to movies and eat popcorn with too much butter. We plant flowers. We cuddle on the couch and binge watch Veronica Mars and Sherlock and Parks & Rec. We survive. Together.

So, to answer that question everyone seems to have: No, marriage isn’t hard. Marriage is certainty. And I need a little of that in my life right now.