Gift Giving With Geeks Part III: In Which the Boy Commandeers the Blog

Hey everyone, it's me! Oh, wait, you can't see me through the Internet, unless there's something very wrong with you. If you can currently see people through the Internet, please consult a physician immediately.

Anyway, this is The Boy. For those of you who haven't met me, here's a picture of me with Alana:

Now that the introductions are complete (except for the part where you introduce yourself to me because that's not how articles work), it's time to get down to brass tacks. Alana mentioned that I might do a guest blog post over the Valentine's Day present that I made her. Well, here it is! The guest post, I mean, not the present. I didn't get her a blog post for Valentine's Day.

A while back I somehow stumbled across this Instructables page about how to created a Legend of Zelda treasure chest that made the chest opening sound when you raised the lid. Since I had gotten her a Zelda related Christmas present, I thought I might try making this and turning giving Zelda gifts into a motif (it would really take a lot of the thought process out of future gifts). I managed to make it while keeping most of my limbs, even enough limbs to type this post! So allow me to relate my chest building experience with you. I mostly followed the Instructables page step-by-step, so I'll do my best not to copy someone else's work verbatim.

Step 1: Get an Awesome Girlfriend to Make a Chest For

Because otherwise you're just making yourself a chest. Actually, scratch that - if you don't have an awesome girlfriend you can use the chest to collect your cold, lonely tears.

Step 2: Buy Beer 

Coors paid me one million dollars in sponsorship because they vastly overestimate my  popularity.

This step is extremely vital* to the completion of the project.

Step 3: Hire a Crew

Everything is better when you have a crew. Just try saying "let me get my crew right on that" without feeling warm and fuzzy inside. Go ahead, I dare you. [Waits appropriate amount of time for you to try]. Didn't work so well, huh?

Whatever you do, don't hire the J. Crew. I tried them once and they just showed up with boxes of new clothes. Something tells me they don't actually have a lot of construction experience.

Step 4: Drink One of Your Beers

Quick, before the mountains stop being blue!

Step 5: Collect and Prepare Your Power Tools

Technically speaking, you really just need a saw. But who wants to just use one saw? What if I get done with the chest and want to have saw fights** with my crew for fun? We'll all need a saw!

We used a variety of different tools: table saw, circular saw, sawzall, etc. They're not all pictured, because we liked to have fun and the amount of fun you have is directly proportional to the amount of power tools you have while also inversely related to the amount of time you stop to take pictures of power tools instead of using the power tools.

You don't actually need all of this stuff, it just made making some of the cuts easier. We also made the cuts a little more complicated than what the Instructables page describes: for example, we cut the edges of the roof pieces at an angle so they fit together squarely.

Step 6: Have Another Beer

You're working hard, bud.

Step 7: Cut These Pieces

Whatever you do, don't cut those pieces instead of these pieces. I cut those pieces the first time, and we accidentally made this instead of a chest:

I realized it was wrong when I couldn't figure out where to put the hinges.

We used some grooved siding plywood so we wouldn't have to draw the lines onto the chest afterward like on the Instructables page.

Step 8: Assemble the Pieces and Dispose of Extra Wood

We used some wood glue to attach the pieces, with a little super glue so it would hold together while the wood glue settled.

There is only one proper way to dispose of extra wood.

Step 9: Beer me, Bro!

That fire was rad.

Step 10: Staining the Wood

Plywood isn't a good color for a chest, so you'll want to stain it. Any darker color of woodstain will work, especially if it's got a red in it. I used wood stain plus polyurethane to minimize the amount of work.

Step 11: Do I Want... Yes, I Think Another Beer Would Be Good

Those paint fumes were really getting to my head. Need to clear it.

Step 12: Wait for Amazon to Deliver Electronics

Oh, crap, the parts aren't going to be here on time?

Step 13: Emergency Beer

Step 14: Make Up an Excuse

Step 15: Has Anyone Noticed That Beer Cans Are So Small? If Only There Was Somet... Oh. Oh, yes.

That'll Do.

Step 16: Electronics

Time for some electronic stuff.

So first, put the MP3 of the chest opening sound on your MP3 player. Or, you know, something else. Like it could open and it would be Kurt Russel reading you stuff that ol' Jack Burton says. But it would really be more appropriate if you used the chest opening sound effect.

So, every Instructable page that involves attaching an MP3 player says that this step is "very easy!" Simply open the MP3, solder two wires from an SPDT switch to the play button on the MP3 player and you're good to go. Sweet! Ok, let's open this up...

Artist's rendition of the inside of an MP3 player

Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...

Step 17: Outsource The Electronics

I will pay you thirteen dollars, fifty-three cents and a half-eaten corndog, and possibly a penny less.

Step 18: Give the Chest to Your Sweetheart

This part is the easiest. Wrap, tell her to open and enjoy the reaction!

Totally original picture. I am not a crook.

Step 19 (Final Step): Celebratory Beer!

And that's how you make a Legend of Zelda chest with chest opening MP3 sound effects! ... Sort of. OK, so, I didn't see a point in really redoing all the steps because they're all on the Instructables page. So, I hope you enjoy sarcasm, meandering, and an extremely inappropriate mixture of booze and cutty things! And now I sign off, probably never to be asked to write a guest blog post again.

- Paul

*This is a lie. Don't actually drink and use power tools.

** Don't ever do this.