Wedding Wednesdays: Bridezillas: A Field Guide

I went into this wedding planning thing confident that I was not in danger of becoming a Bridezilla. In my opinion, that only happened when a Bride was overly spoiled, and, well, I do not consider myself to be spoiled.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Mmmhmm. That’s what they all say.”

But really, even being critical of myself, I wouldn’t call myself spoiled.

• “Well taken care of?” Yes.
• “Loved?” Yes.
• “Blessed?” Yes.
• “Comfortable?” Yes.
• “Critical with high standards and and expectations?” Duh.

But not spoiled. I keep my head about me, consider other peoples feelings, and can cope with disappointment and frustration. 

So, like I said, was not at all worried about going crazy. 

My confidence has since waned.  

You see, the problem was my assumption that all Bridezillas were the same; that they were selfish creatures bent on getting their own way, no matter who they had to guilt or steamroll in the process. As I get deeper into the jungle we call “Wedding Planning,” I’ve come to realize that there are multiple kinds of ‘Zillas. While they all exhibit similar traits and tendencies, the three Types have distinct origins and treatability and are definitely not all alike. 

As such, I’ve developed a “Field Guide” (if you will), in an attempt to help everyone else identify, understand, and deal with the slight differences between the Types. My observations and conclusions come from years of studying the species in her natural habitat (as an event planner) as well as my newly acquired first-hand experience.

Before we begin, please consider the following quotes:

• “Are people born wicked? Or do they have wickedness thrust upon them?”
• Galinda (from the musical, “Wicked”)
• “Some people are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon ‘em.”
• Malvalio (from Shakespeare’s “Twelfth Night”)

I use these quotes to highlight the fact that not every ‘Zilla is created equal. Some come by it naturally (Type A), some choose it (Type B), and some (I’d venture to say most) fall victim to it. Let’s look at the types a little closer.

Type A

These are the ‘Zillas that are “born with” the gene. Not in the same way that you might be born with freckles or green skin, but in that way that it’s predestined in your personality and demeanor. In my study, I’ve found that this Type is generally a product of poor breeding (i.e. they’re spoiled). They are also relatively rare (in the big picture).

We all know these girls. We deal with them on a regular basis. We excuse their behavior because they “can’t help themselves it’s how they were raised,” then we complain about them behind their backs. It’s the natural order of things. If you find yourself dealing with this Type, it is likely that you have already accepted her as she is, and therefore are honestly not surprised when the affliction presents itself.

Because of the in-born nature of this Type, their affliction is mostly incurable and irreversible. It’s who they are, it’s who they’ve always been. We must choose either to keep loving them or just admit they’ll never change and move on. Luckily, their affliction is not necessarily more extreme in the throes of wedding planning than it is in normal life, so you may not even notice a significant change.

Type B

These ‘Zillas are those that “achieve” the gene. I’d like to believe that there are fewer of this kind than there are of Type A, but I do not have sufficient data to back up that assumption (on top of the fact that my gut tells me I’m wrong).

These girls are the most difficult to deal with throughout the process. They don’t necessarily surprise us when they turn, but they also no longer reflect their “normal” selves. The issue with this Type is that they’re driven to change. They want it. They work for it. They take their badge of “Bride-to-Be” and milk it for all it’s worth, passing off their behavior as permissible simply because they are “stressed,” “tired,” or “overworked.” (Mmhmm, we TOTALLY believe you. You definitely aren’t just taking this opportunity to be a witch because you have a ready-made excuse.)

For these ‘Zillas, while there's no escaping the crazy in the middle of it, the prognosis is somewhat positive: it’s a matter of getting  through the wedding. Their affliction is short-lived and unsustainable post-vows. Just hang on friends, this too shall pass. (Now…whether you continue to speak with them post nuptially is totally up to you…no one will judge your decision. We’ve all been there, dealt with that.)

Type C

Finally, there are those who have ‘Zilla-ness “thrust upon them.” They show no predisposition, and do not choose to cross over to the dark side, it just happens for some reason. I believe that these are, by far, the most common iteration of the species.

They are your loved girlfriends – the kind no one would expect to “turn” – but then something happens…and it’s like they’ve gotten a bad virus. One day, they’re your sweet, engaged friend, the next they’re threatening to burn down a bakery. It happens without much warning and progresses very quickly.

The up-side to this version of the affliction? It’s highly curable. In all reality, it may not even last more than a few minutes, provided the appropriate treatment steps are taken. The problem is, however, that folks are reluctant to attempt treatment because they’ve been burned before by the stereotypes (or ideas and stories thereof) of Types A & B. She’s frequently left to deal with her condition on her own, which is sad because, in reality, it’s generally not her  fault (much like getting the flu is not the victim’s fault).

Because Type C is so misunderstood, her condition frequently lasts much longer than it should. In an attempt to change this fact and help Type C sufferers everywhere, I’d like to take a closer look at Type C Bridezillas – specifically the symptoms of the affliction, the possible causes, and the related available treatments – so that we might be better prepared to help any we encounter in the future.

Symptoms (could include but are not limited to):

• insomnia
• extreme weight gain or loss
• indecisiveness (when highly advanced, could present as apathy)
• easily triggered, uncontrollable crying
• untriggered, uncontrollable crying
• death threats to family, friends, vendors, random passers-by (followed by uncontrollable crying)
• inexplicable hatred for certain colors, patterns, cake flavors, or names
• irrational behavior or outbursts

Causes (could include but are not limited to):

• egotistical vendor behavior
• “bridal” price inflation
• lack of sleep (see symptoms)
• too many opinions
• too many options
• Pinterest pressure

In my experience, the most common cause is egotistical vendor behavior. I’ve heard way too many vendors complain time and time again about Bridezillas that have caused them problems, forcing them  to “add this policy” and “do it this way.” Really? You’re blaming your issues on them? Let’s explore that one a little further.

If you are a wedding vendor, please note the following:

• You are not the only one capable of doing what you do (you’re likely one of very, very many)
• You are not the only vendor a Bride will speak to (again, you are only one of many)
• Brides are paying YOU. You are trying to win their business, not the other way around
• This time is stressful for her, and she’s likely new at it. Do not expect her to be the expert. Help her, teach her, be patient with her.
• Make her feel special. Sure, you may see a thousand brides a year, but she only interacts with you once. Make it worth her while. She isn’t a number, a pocketbook, or a hassle.

As both a planner and a Bride, I’ve had far too many interactions with vendors who think they’re the end-all, be-all. In my experience, the ones who acted like they hung the moon were typically far inferior in their output than the vendors who bent over backwards for their Brides.

Here’s a tip: when you’re kind to people, they’ll be kind back.

It’s that simple, guys. Get down off your high horse, stop expecting the Bride to try and win your business, and consider what all she is going through. If you’re too hard to deal with, too snobby, too “we do it this way and no other way so there,” you’re going to get killed by the vendors who treat Brides like friends. Try a little harder. YOUR actions are creating the Bridezillas you complain about.

Okay, off my soapbox now. Back to the subject at hand.

I mentioned earlier that Type C Bridezillas are curable. And, bonus, it turns out it’s relatively easy to treat the symptoms and reverse the condition. Take a look at the available options below.

Treatment (options include but are not limited to):

• NOT being an egotistical jacka**
• Hugs (can be administered via pretty much anyone and still achieve the same effect)
• Chocolate (any variety, really. May also substitute cupcakes or pie.)
• Flowers
• Lunch dates (where you don’t talk about the wedding unless SHE brings it up)
• Tea (Hot or cold. Sweet or unsweet. It's medicine for the soul, y’all)
• Weekends off (again, where you don’t talk about the wedding)

And most importantly: encouraging words. Wedding planning is hard, y’all. She needs to know she’s doing a good job. She’s likely doubting every choice she makes, every dollar she spends. Remind her that this only lasts for a little while. Remind her to enjoy the little things. Remind her that she is smart, and beautiful, and loved, and important. She needs to hear it. Daily. It never gets old.

Some Bridezillas can’t be cured. But most can. So when you encounter one, don’t just see her condition and assume it’s her fault. Don’t write her off over a few little outbursts or angry words. Hug her, tell her it’s going to be okay, and buy her a cup of tea. It’ll cure her and right the world – and she’ll be forever thankful.

This was not written in an attempt to excuse behavior. There is no excuse for treating people badly. But, mistakes happen and we all snap sometimes. I’m speaking from experience and I know this to be true. So, don't ignore our behavior, but be patient, understanding, and forgive us, please. 

Signed,

A recovering (and occasionally relapsing) Type C